Obsessing over things I wish I wasn’t obsessing over because my feelings are overpowering my brain and making little petty things seem like a tsunami.
I give myself deadlines to cut it out and as soon as I do that something happens that makes me think I was ridiculous to have such deadlines in the first place.
I know what I should do but there’s always a little bit of hope I have difficulty letting go of and it doesn’t help that just when I feel myself giving up I get pushed back into it and I’m playing again.
I’m so sick of playing games. But I keep playing because I think maybe it’ll be different. But it never really is. The game is always the same just the rules are re-worded to make me think it’s different.
I know how to finish the game, my brain just doesn’t want to accept it. Accept that the game can be over. And I just want it to stop.
But it won’t stop. There is no off-switch for the mind. I can distract it a little but it’s always holding onto the ball. It won’t let the ball go. And it’s not like time is running out, either. It’s the dying seconds of the game but the end never comes. Like on an infinite downward slope. The limit doesn’t exist.
So I’m left, on edge, in a constant state of anxiety and impatience with bouts of relief from distraction. What am I waiting for? Why am I waiting? I’m waiting for the hope to kick in and become reality. But it never does. But I still wait. And I get anxious. And it consumes me so much I’m faced with an overwhelming unbreakable inner turmoil I can’t escape.
All over a petty thing. Why?